


Far from the Tree

by Onlymostydead



Series: Fictober 2019 [4]
Category: DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Blood, Break Up, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Misgendering, Self-Hatred, Self-Isolation, Trans Male Character, Trans Wally West
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-11-24 19:36:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20912990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onlymostydead/pseuds/Onlymostydead
Summary: (Tags will update along with the fic)Dick and Wally have been dating for a while now, and things have been going well - until, that is, something from Wally's past comes up, and everything changes in a moment.Will Dick understand? No. But it's for the best.





	1. Wally

**Author's Note:**

> Fictober Day 5!
> 
> Also, quick warning I couldn't easily tag for: digging glass or shrapnel out of a wound is present later on in the fic in a couple of different locations. It's not graphic, or detailed, but I don't want anyone to read something triggering.

Stumbling back into his apartment, Wally could tell he would be full of regrets in the morning. But right now? Right now wasn't the morning, and all he could think of was the burn of the alcohol in the back of his throat, the rush of the blood in his ears, and the shouted words still echoing in his head. It was awful, he hated it, all of the sensations rushing into each other, making his skin feel hot. Part of him, the little kid still in him, wanted to go and hide in his room, turn out all the lights, make himself as small as possible. The whole thing was angry. It was stupid. It was the absolute dumbest thing he had ever, ever done.

And the smartest, in a way.

It had to be done, though, even if that made him feel sick to think about. Even if that made him want to make his hands into fists and punch the walls, and just destroy something. He wasn't drunk; not by any means. Not with the speed force coursing through his veins, and not with the clarity of anger in his head. No, Wally was thinking the clearest he ever had.

"I broke up with Dick." He whispered to himself, still trying to believe it. "I did; I broke up with him."

They had gone out to a bar, just to hang out, mostly. Normal Friday night that they both had off work, miraculously, with their crazy schedules. It was supposed to just be relaxing, sitting back, ignoring everything going on in their lives.   
But Dick liked that particular place because he liked to dance. He was good at it, too; nothing compared to Wally's awkward embarrassment of gangly attempts, so he had sat down after a few songs, content to just watch his boyfriend have a good time. And he looked so beautiful out there on the dance floor in his skinny jeans, with his button down shirt tied up just above his hips...

That was the thing about Dick: he was gorgeous. Way outside a guy like Wally's league on so many levels, and not just looks. Dick knew it, too, but he didn't care one bit. In fact, sometimes Wally wondered if he would rather people didn't notice. 'Leagues' didn't exist to him; he rolled his eyes every time someone questioned why they were together, or things like that, but it still grated on him. Dick assured him that there was no reason to get irritated with it though. He loved him, and that's what mattered.

"Wasn't my fault the guy touched him like that." He grumbled, pushing the apartment door shut behind him. "The guy was being..."

Dick hadn't entertained the asshole's attention for a moment, but that split second of hands touching his hips was all it took. Just the idea of someone out there, seeing him, trying to dance with him... Wally could feel the anger rising in his chest, electricity sparking in his veins. That man thought it was okay to just touch him? To put his filthy hands on his boyfriend?

That was all it took?

And maybe Wally was already tipsy. He was drinking, after all, and drinking as if he wouldn't be affected by the alcohol. Speed force, after all. Maybe it had been a rough morning, rough day, rough night. Maybe the speed force wasn't quite connecting with him before, even, but he could tell the drinking was getting to him after that. He wanted to hurt the guy. He wanted to make him pay for bothering Dick, even just for a moment. What made him think that he was in his league? That he was allowed to even get near him?

It was a split second, and he wanted to hurt someone. He wanted that man to feel fire in his bones.

Then Dick came back over, and all in a moment it hit him. Hard. Everything he had thought about in those seconds came crashing back down in an instant, drowning out the music and the lights. He had wanted to hurt someone that badly, for a split second of contact. How fucked up was that?

Had it even mattered to him who that guy was? Did it even matter to him what he did? Just feeling up someone else's boyfriend wasn't an offense to die for; that was just ridiculous. He didn't even know that Dick was here with someone. All Wally wanted to do was hurt someone; he hadn't really cared who.

It wasn't even about Dick, was it?

How different did that make him from-

So he tossed back the rest of his drink, coughed as it went down, and broke up with Dick.

He didn't understand. Of course Dick didn't understand; he wasn't in Wally's head, feeling what he was turning into all the time. Every time he got angry, he could feel it. Always rising, talking, the voice constantly there letting him know what he would do. Every time he wanted to hurt someone...

He stumbled his way into the bathroom, hitting the light switch on and leaning forward, hands resting heavily on the sink, forehead touching the mirror.

"I even look like him, don't I?" 

Wally pulled back and stared at himself in the mirror, at his features, picking them apart. 

His hair, curly and unruly, bright orange-red. The only difference was that his dad kept his short, military regulation length even though he had never actually been in the forces. It was graying on the sides, too, and Wally was still too young for that, but that would change. If his grew longer it would be just like this... Or if Wally shaved his shorter, down to that militaristic buzz cut. It needed a trim anyway, right? He could use a change. He might as well, at this point. Just lean in to the fact that he was becoming his-

That he was-

He was turning into his fa-

His eyes, bottle green and hazy, most of the time. Eyes that knew how to glare and little else. They had that talent of looking dull, looking as if he wasn't paying any attention at all sometimes when really? Really he was just relaxed. Zoned out. Staring off into space. Wally could remember that, he could remember the moment he realized he had the exact same thing.

Donna was always the one to point it out, of course. She'd be talking about something, and Wally would be listening, but she would always have to stop to ask if he was listening. If he had zoned out.  
It was strange that it took so long to put two and two together, that it was the eyes, but... When he did Wally cried for a whole afternoon. The only time they didn't look alike was when they cried.

He'd never really seen him cry, after all.

His nose had matched too, once. It was straight before it was broken, and it never quite healed right after that. That would have matched, though. He supposed he could be proud of that; if his dad wasn't the one who broke it in the first place. That kind of put a damper on his enthusiasm. Every time he looked at his nose, at the shape of it, it was just another reminder of him, even if it didn't look like his.

His lips were the same: thin and cruel. Wally had noticed, once, that his own lips weren't even capable of actually curving upward all the way. They were intended for frowns, scowls. He could count the number of times he'd seen his dad smile in private on two hands.

I'm public though? He was all smiles. With other people's children he was loving, and caring, and yes, short tempered, but never violent. Parents remarked on what a good, loving father he was. On what a bad child he must be. After all, why did he act so strange, why was he so odd, why did everything seem so-

And Wally was okay with kids. He could be happy with them, and gentle, and good, and... Admittedly short tempered.

Because he was becoming his-

His jaw, now that he had been taking testosterone. Wally could see his chin growing more defined, cheeks and jaw sculpting. Those things were starting to match now, even beyond his face. The hair starting to grow on his hands, on his chest, on his forearms. Slowly, but surely, he was turning into him. 

And as he started to be able to build more muscle...

As his anger was growing more defined...

And his rage was sculpting...

His tendency to make bad decisions drunk was starting to match his father's, and it would only get worse from here.

What was that old additive? What the parents do in moderation the children will do in excess?

Worse decisions. They would only get worse with age, he meant. Would they get worse? Fuck, the alcohol was really getting to his head, and looking at that face in the mirror wasn't exactly helping things. He felt sick.

At least Dick was out of that now, though. He didn't deserve to be stuck in a relationship that would just end up going downhill like that. It was for the best.

And now... Staring back at those eyes, at the fact that he should probably shave the gross mustache he was starting to get growing in, Wally wondered if his dad ever went through this. He knew from Aunt Iris that their childhood was awful, so did he go through this? Was he ever growing up, seeing himself becoming his own shitty father, watching himself become this? When he started dating his mom, had ever been afraid of hurting her?

He wondered how long it had all taken for that to fall apart.

Had he been afraid of hurting her?

Had he heard that she was pregnant and been scared, because he didn't know how to be a good father?

Had he held his child and been afraid that he would hurt him, one day?

How long did it take for that to fall apart?

Because those eyes didn't look like his dad's anymore; they were full of tears, rolling down his cheeks and dripping off his chin. 

It all fell apart.

But Dick was out of that. He was away from him. No matter how much worse Wally got, Dick would always be safe as long as he kept him away. 

As long as he kept him away.

It wouldn't get a chance to fall apart.

Because Wally could see his hands so clearly through the tears when he looked down, and he could see all of the ways they were not his own. They were calloused, with scars from fistfights marring his knuckles. They weren't getting any bigger, but he could imagine them: large fists, with thick fingers and stout wrists, smelling of hard liquor. Grasping beer bottles and little 'girls' braids.

But they weren't his dad's hands. They were only his own.

And he hated them.

He hated this future, because kids all just grow up to become their parents, don't they? No matter how much they fight against it, isn't that what everyone says? The apple doesn't fall far from the rotten tree. And that was all he was trying to avoid for so long but that was all that was happening anyway.

No matter how hard he tried.

Because he could see himself now, what he was turning into, this transitional shade between himself and his dad. 

But worse... What about Dick?

Because Dick was so bright in so many ways. He was so smart, and so pretty, and so alive - everything about him had this energy. Even when he was all in control, he was such a good leader. He was...

Wally couldn't help but smile, teetering a little on his feet. He was really something.

Then he remembered why, and his smile was gone.

He couldn't imagine it.

He couldn't imagine looking in Dick's eyes, the way that they sparkled with life, and seeing the dull glare of his mother's eyes. It wasn't a blank look so much as it was apathy. That was the thing growing up; she didn't hate him... At least, he didn't think so. But she didn't love him enough to take extra pain on his behalf.

Or maybe she already had. Wally guessed she already had, and was too tired to do more. It was easier to just smack him upside the head and tell him to do better next time. To teach him how to clean a wound, to cover a bruise with concealer.

And obviously their features would never be the same, they weren't related, but he never wanted to see Dick without his joy. His hair without its luster. His skin without its glow. His shoulders with the characteristic slope of hopelessness.

Because the more he pictured it, he could see it, and the angrier he got, and the more the tears came.

He did that.

He was the one who would have done that.

Who would have taken his joy, his life, his spark.

And without a moments hesitation, Wally pulled back his fist, and punched the man in the mirror. The glass shattered, splintering outwards and running hairline cracks through his reflection.

More of him just stared back now. More curly heads of hair and red rimmed eyes and broken noses and cruel lips curled into ugly sobs. Crooked teeth in his open mouth. He couldn't stand that face. If he never saw himself again, it would be too soon.

"I broke up with Dick." Wally repeated to himself again, barely choking out the words through the tears and snot. 

How did movies always make crying look so glamorous and pretty? It was all faked. The truth was that it was ugly, and broken, and hideous, and-

He caught sight of himself in the mirror again, and threw his fist at it. This time, the glass completely shattered, raining down on the bathroom around him. The sink, the floor - everything covered in shards of glass and droplets of blood.

His hand was bleeding now. Quite a bit, actually; it was probably bleeding after the first time he punched it, he just hadn't noticed.

Or hadn't cared. It didn't hurt, anyway. Nothing would hurt anymore. Not really. Not like the burning in his throat and the ache in his lungs and the heavy sadness in his heart knowing that Dick wasn't coming back. That he was gone for good.

That if he came back, Wally would have to push him away again.

Sniffling, he tried to pull himself together, but it felt like it just made things worse. Wally collapsed to the floor, disregarding the glass, and began to sob in earnest. His hand was bleeding all over his pants, and the speed force wasn't just healing it up - who knew how long it would be until he regained that connection - which just made him cry harder because nothing seemed to be going right.

Because at least he was alone, right? He was ending it with him. No continuation of the cycle. No spouse getting sucked into the pattern, no child being molded into the next version of himself.

It ended with him.

It ended-

"It's for the best." He whispered to himself, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his bloody hand. "For the best, right?"

Wally knew that he should probably clean this, pick the glass out and actually care for it, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Right now, what did it matter? What did it matter if he bled out, right now on this bathroom floor? 

"For the best." He repeated. "For the-"

The words got stuck in his throat, just coming up as another sob, with more tears, shoulders shaking, his whole body feeling like it was about to fall apart.

But once the skin under his eyes and nose were rubbed raw from wiping them dry, all of his tears dried up, everything seemed... Different. 

There was the glass, all around him on the floor. That would need to be cleaned up... In the morning. He could do that in the morning.

Slowly, though, Wally rose to his feet. His throat didn't burn like it had before; it felt more swollen and raw from crying... And the ache in his lungs and chest was replaced by a kind of numbness he knew well. It was a kind that let you work through. That let you function, because otherwise?

Otherwise he couldn't.

He couldn't.

Taking a deep breath and squeezing his eyes shut, Wally almost expected to see himself in the mirror when he opened his eyes.

He couldn't say that he was disappointed when he didn't.

But regardless... Something had to be done about the hand. It was still seeping blood; the speed force hadn't come back at all, even after all this time. He didn't know how long it had been, but... Long enough, that was certain. Long enough.

Meticulously, he dug out the shards of glass with a pair of tweezers, then washed his hands with water and hydrogen peroxide. Dick had taught him well enough to sterilize wounds. He had known how to before Dick, of course. Before he was even Kid Flash, even. When you're a "clumsy" kid who's "always getting hurt" you have to know how to fix yourself up. When something glass "breaks" and pieces get imbedded in your skin "on accident" because you're "clumsy" and "stupid," you have to know how to dig it out yourself. Then clean it all up afterwards with hydrogen peroxide, and wrap it up with gauze and some bandage to hold it on. 

The kinds of things kids like me have to learn, Wally thought to himself.

"The kinds of things my kids would've had to learn if I had any." He corrected. "Apple doesn't fall far from the fucking tree."

The kinds of things Dick would've had to teach their-

He hated that saying - kids weren't apples - but he was too tired to care right now. Right now? He just needed to change clothes and go to bed. 

So Wally stripped off his bloody, glass covered clothes and left them in a heap in the bathroom to deal with later, trying to avoid stepping in glass as he made his way out to the bedroom. He threw on some boxers, crawled under the covers, and...

He sighed, pressing his eyes shut. "Dick isn't coming back."

"..."

"If he comes back I'll... I'll tell him to go away."

The soft whir of the fan was his only reply.

"...It's for the best."


	2. Dick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Wally panicked, he left Dick behind in the bar, shocked and alone, trying to piece this all together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fictober Day 7! 
> 
> And as for my updating schedule: every other day was my plan, but this next one might go a little longer than that, so... Soon!

Dick was in complete shock.

All around him, the sounds of the bar continued. Music blared. Drinks chimed as they clashed into each other, or the surface of the bar. People talked, and yelled to be heard over the noise. The lights were low over the bartender's face as she asked him if he was alright, if he needed another drink.

He shook his head. "No, uh... No thank you. I'm alright."

"Was that your-" She seemed to get that he didn't want to talk, cutting herself off with a smile. "You sure?"

"Positive."

As the bartender hurried away to another patron, Dick hopped up into a seat. Absently, he slid his empty glass back and forth between his hands, eyes going in and out of focus. 

He should have been ready for something like this. Not really something like this, but... He shouldn't have frozen up like that. In Gotham, you're quick on your feet or you're dead. Adjusting fast was a strength of his when everything went wrong. He trained with some of the best of the best, with superhumans, at reaction times other people would gawk at, and yet...

Nothing could prepare him for Wally breaking up with him.

He froze. And he let him go. Past the crowds and out the door, like he had never been there, leaving behind only an empty glass and an overturned barstool.

It came out of nowhere, that was the thing. One moment he was dancing, just having a good time. He wandered back over to Wally and...

There was just something odd about the look on his face. For a second he was staring out into the dance floor with sparks in his eyes, electricity flying in the worst kind of way. His brows drawn in a line, mouth pressed tight shut. Pale, glass empty in his hand, shoulders tense.

Dick knew that look. That was the look that put Thaddeus Thawne in the Flash Museum as a living statue, the speed force ripped out of his soul. That was the look that tore across universes to protect the people he loved. It was a scary look - no, a terrifying look. So what was it? Why was Wally so worked up right now? He knew Blüdhaven bars were nasty, but...

"Hey, calm down, Walls." Dick laughed, elbowing him lightly. "Rough day on patrol?"

"No, I'm... It's not..." He coughed, then cleared his throat; when he spoke it was in a whisper, voice hoarse, so quiet Dick could barely hear him. "I'm breaking up with you."

He was dreaming. He had to be, right? That wasn't right. Wally didn't say those words in that order. Things were going well right now. From his point of view, at least, they had finally hit their stride. 

He must have misheard him. Something.

Anything.

"What?"

"I have to break up with you." Wally repeated, taking a step back, knocking over a barstool. "I'm - I have to."

Someone snapped at him to be more careful, righting the piece of furniture, but Dick wasn't focused on that one bit right now. He was focused on the way Wally's knuckles were white curled into tight fists right now but not the proper form to throw a punch, his hands shaking badly. His eyes were dead serious. His lower lip quivered, but his jaw was set in place.

"Wally, is something wrong? What's-"

"I don't- it's not-" He sucked in a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut. "I just want you to be safe."

"I'm safe, Wally." Dick reassured him, taking a step forward. "I'm sa-"

"No, you're not!" Wally shouted, and everything else felt like it went went silent.

The bar was gone from around them; it was just them standing there, eye to eye. Nothing else. And Dick couldn't even process what he was hearing, couldn't even move. It was like he was stuck in place, unable to think, to focus, to put it all together.

"Wally-"

He shook his head, releasing the tension from his shoulders. "It's for the best, Dick. I have to go."

And he left. Leaving Dick alone, shell shocked, standing by the bar. So he slid into a seat. The bartender came by, and left him alone. Petrified. Dancing one minute, and now...

Wally just left.

He left him.

Why did he just leave him?

"It's for the best." Dick repeated, the words leaving a sour taste in his mouth. "Have to break up with you... To be safe..."

Tears were welling up in his eyes, but he blinked them back down. He had to... Run through the facts. Break it down.

He swallowed, absentmindedly gripping the empty glass in his hand.

Having to break up with him. That was an interesting way to phrase that; why did he have to? What made him have to? Was something forcing him? Was there something else going on? Wally hadn't seemed off before that moment there, though, and he was a terrible liar. What was special about that very moment? There was no way something could have...

"...To keep me safe?" Dick frowned, turning the glass in his hand. "What is he protecting me from?"

What could he be protecting him from? What, that he remembered in that split second moment, could be so important that they be entirely separate? Separate. That was Wally's goal there, wasn't it? To keep him safe by breaking up, separating them. 

Was there something coming after him? Probably not. If there were, he would know about it, that was for sure. Dick had a way to access all of the Watchtower's information that would relate to that kind of thing, to Wally's safety. If there was a threat on his life, more often than not, Dick knew about it before Wally did.

So was he isolating himself? 

Was it the thing with his heart, coming back again? The speed force that he depended on for his power, for his strength, almost ending his life like it had come so close to before? Unlikely. They had dealt with that before, and they could deal with that again if it came back. Unless his heart had suddenly come to his attention, suddenly beating in a way that was all too wrong and all too fast for the moment, aching and burning up in his chest? Unless the symptoms had come on suddenly, there was no reason Wally would have reacted anything close to like that.

No, for a second he looked... Angry. Then he left, like he had business to attend to. No, that wasn't right.

It was like he didn't trust himself there.

His hands, his legs, his lower lip quivered - it was fear. It was all fear, wasn't it? A kind of fear Dick hadn't seen from Wally since they were kids. And he wasn't afraid of something else - this was Wally they were talking about. His reaction to danger was to throw himself in harms way, to scoff, to blow a raspberry and taunt. So if he was afraid...

It was a fear of his own reaction.

The anger, then fear. What triggered that? Dick didn't know exactly, but he had been in a good mood when he left him on the dance floor, smiling, winking, and making eyes at him as he danced. The only thing that changed was the guy who tried to touch him a little bit.

The guy who put his hands on his hips, who went to dance all pressed up to him for a moment. 

Jealousy. Green eyes of envy never felt more fitting than for Wally West; he could get jealous of just about anything. Not in an overprotective, or creepy way; he knew that about himself, and they had talked about it. It was just setting boundaries, talking about what was reasonable, things like that. Generally? He was easygoing. It wasn't a problem. But Dick knew what Wally's first reaction would be right off the bat.

He'd be angry. And then...

And then he'd be terrified of his own anger, wouldn't he? Could that fully explain it?

The noise from the bar seemed to be crushing in on him, far less pleasant without his boyfriend-

Remembering again was like getting doused in freezing cold water. The kind that takes all the air out of your lungs, making it impossible to move.

Without Wally. 

Because he broke up with him. They broke up.

"Sure you're alright?" The bartender asked again, making her rounds.

"Yeah, I'm... I'm alright." Dick frowned, sliding out of his seat. "I was just on my way home, really."

She raised an eyebrow. "Okay, then. Take care."

He nodded, letting his shoulders slump, and stalking out of the bar. 

Wally had run them here, so it was a good thing he had some thinking to do; there was quite the walk back to his Blüdhaven apartment. Lucky for him he didn't end up stranded somewhere further from home. Just a short jaunt across town, and he'd be back.

Again, without Wally.

Pressing his eyes shut for a moment, he continued onward. What mattered most right now was getting to the bottom of whatever was going on so that he could make sure Wally was safe, because there was no way in hell he was letting him go that easily. They fought to be together enough times; one bad night wasn't going to destroy their future.

Not if he could help it.

But... As hard as it was to say, it made sense Wally might react like that to himself. He's not always exactly the most in tune with his own emotions, and with his background...

Dick wasn't supposed to know about that.

Dick wasn't supposed to know any of those things, really. Everything had been kept very hush-hush, with Wally's situation and the members of the Justice League who knew. But he, as a curious teenager, knew that something was up. And so he maybe, might have, definitely hacked into Batman's files on the subject.

And found a world that he had never expected his best friend to live in.

From what Wally told him, he was a normal, ordinary kid in Blue Hills, Nebraska. He hated the small town life, and the small town attitude the kids at his high school had about him on a lot of fronts, but the bullying was never too bad. Just kids being immature. Never once did he mention his family, or his home life; and Dick assumed the best. After all, his Aunt and Uncle were some of the most accepting, wonderful people he knew. His parents must be pretty great as well.

How wrong he was.

The file had opened to evidence photos that Dick had barely even recognized as Wally at first, by how sad his eyes looked, how foreign his mouth was without a smile. The extent of the bruising on his face, on his body, was...

He shuddered just thinking about it. He didn't want to think about it.

But Batman recognized that he had gotten into the files - or accurately guessed that he would try to get in, either way - and talked to him. Explained the situation. With his father. With how complicated it was trying to get him out of the house as quickly as possible. In this case due to Wally's age, that most likely meant legal emancipation. As well as taking Rudolph as Mary to court, but... Who knew when that would actually be able to happen. 

To this day, they were still free. The files were still open. 

The pictures of Wally flashed through Dick's mind, his face battered, his eyes glazed over. 

But he couldn't let him know that he knew. He had to be strong. For Wally's sake. So throughout the whole process, getting updates from Batman, Wally had no idea he knew. He never told him. Never gave him any indication that everything was wrong.

If it weren't for the nightmares years later, he never even would have guessed anything was wrong. Never would have known.

But now... Now he could see those problems rearing their ugly head again. Because Wally was by nature jealous, and short tempered at times, and if he had gotten angry enough to scare himself-

-Angry enough to want to hurt someone-

-Then he had a situation on his hands where he needed to make sure he was alright. Of course, getting there in decent time would be...

Who was he kidding? If Dick needed to get there quickly, he could call Barry. He would give him a ride. But the real issue right now was timing.

Did he give him space? Did he not give him space?

Dick bit his lip, tensing then relaxing his shoulders, trying to slow his walk back down to a decent pace. He didn't want to be suspicious; as it was it was late, and he was a guy walking briskly through a bad part of town. Alone. Ill-dressed for the cold weather. He didn't need any additional attention.

He and Wally didn't keep secrets. That was the one thing that they were good about; telling each other everything. 

Except for this.

Because Dick knew about literally everything else. Wally didn't skimp out on details, not when they were embarrassing, or gruesome, or made him look like a bad guy. It helped that he couldn't lie for shit. So this? The fact that his whole childhood was just... Omitted? It was a big deal.

And the fact that Dick hadn't told him that he knew felt like a huge invasion of privacy. That was where all of his relationships went downhill, too. Something went wrong, and he started investigating it like a fucking case file. Every single time. That's not how he wanted this to go with Wally, that's not what he wanted to happen at all, and...

If he fucked this up, he would never forgive himself. Because right now? Right now Wally was probably scared, and upset, and lonely, and confused, and yeah he needed a little bit of time, but he couldn't just let him go... And he couldn't chase him down either. Something in between.

"Something in between..." Dick muttered to himself, kicking a tin can down the street. "In between."

When all he wanted to do was figure out exactly what was wrong, beyond speculation, and make it better. He couldn't fix the past but he could try his best to make things better now. He could reassure him that he wasn't like that, that yeah, sometimes he got angry, but that didn't make him an angry person. That didn't make him his father. 

He just wanted to hold him in his arms, to feel his too-fast heart beating, to gently play with his hair between his fingers, to assure him he was okay. They were okay. He was safe with him, safer with than without.

But he left him so suddenly. Just like that, after so long. 

Finally arriving at his apartment, Dick tried to shut out those thoughts. Right now, he had to give Wally some space. Just for the night. And in the morning...

In the morning, he would think of something. 

In the morning, he would be calling Barry, and hitching a ride to Keystone City. And hoping...

Hoping that he would be open to talk. 

But for now, sleep. There was nothing he could do.

The bed never felt so cold as without his favorite speedster's warmth beside him.

***

*Beep beep beep*

"Wally, turn that off, will you..?" Dick grumbled, rolling over in bed, pulling most of the covers with him.

The alarm continued to blare, confusing in his half-awake state. Why Wally hadn't already reached over and turned it off was beyond him, but...

Then it hit him like a sack of bricks. 

Slowly, his body weighing him down like his bones were made of lead, Dick sat up and turned off the alarm. The noise may have stopped, but that didn't end his pounding headache. He wasn't hungover, hell, he hadn't even drank; it was just from the thoughts now racing through his mind.

Would Wally even be at home? Home as in his apartment, or with his Aunt and Uncle. 

He could be anywhere, feasibly, at this point - who was to say he was in Keystone? Or in Central? Or on the Watchtower, even?

Deep breaths. He would find Wally. If it was the last thing he did on this earth, he would find Wally and make sure he was okay. He would bring him home.

"Hey, Barry? I have a favor to ask you... Yeah, it'll be quick."

***

Standing outside of Wally's apartment door, Dick held his breath. He had a key; but it felt wrong to just go in. It was too-

Why was he making such a big deal about this? It was Wally. Wally, who cries at scary movies with him. Wally, who would eat enough ice cream as a teenager to make himself sick every single time and learn nothing from it. Wally, who gives the tightest hugs. Who is the warmest person to sleep with, so much so that they always end up kicking off all of the blankets. Who has to stop to pet every dog he sees, practically. Right now, he just needed to knock.

Taking a deep breath, hesitating for just a moment, he did.

And waited. 

"Wally, I know that you couldn't have slept in this late." Dick said loud enough that he would be able to hear; the walls in his complex were so thin, it didn't take much. "Come on, talk to me. What's going on?" 

No reply.

"Wally, I know you can hear me."

"...no, you don't." Wally's hoarse voice answered from the other side of the door.

Dick perked up; at least he was here. "Wally, what's going-"

"You should go, Dick."

"What? Wally, what do you mean-"

"I mean it isn't-" He took a deep breath. "I'm not good for you Dick. Can't you see that?"

"No! No, I can't, Wally." Dick sighed, leaning forward against the door. "Just tell me what's wrong, we can work through this. You aren't bad for-"

"Yet."

"What?"

Wally touched the door from the other side; he could feel the pressure. "Never mind, ignore that. Just... It's better this way, okay? Trust me on that. You trust me, right?"

"Wally, you're talking crazy right now." Dick pointed out. "What's scared you so badly?"

It felt like lying. To ask. He already knew; not for sure, but...

There was a long silence between them, the air feeling tense and cold and... Wally could have walked away, and Dick would have no way of knowing. He could have vibrated his molecules through these walls and run away from here. From him. 

He could start over entirely. There was no reason he had to stay here, really. To live here. Keystone City was just a short jog from... Anywhere in the world, really. 

Dick sat down with his back to the door, letting his shoulders fall, pulling his knees up close to his chest. He wasn't giving up. There was no way he was giving up, but if he ruined this? There was only one shot at fixing things, somehow, and Wally seemed to be running away from him as fast as he could. There was no way to keep up with that.

"I'm not giving up on you." Dick told him, pretending he was there for the sake of getting the words out. "I'm not."

A gust of wind blew by, tearing right through his light jacket. How had he not noticed it getting colder? It was the beginning of October, and pretty much freezing in Blüdhaven, but in Keystone it had been a little bit warmer... Until recently, anyway.

"I'm not just going to give up on you. Not like that. Nothing can scare me away from you, Wally. Not..." 

He sighed, letting his head fall back against the door. Letting his eyes fall shut. Letting the cold wind blow through him.

"Not even you."


	3. Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dick is still standing outside of Wally's apartment, as they talk through the door. He can't risk letting him in. He knows, if he does, he'll never be able to turn him away...
> 
> But Dick isn't giving up on Wally that easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fictober day 12! Fuck!

(Wally)

He should have known this would happen.

Dick was a lot of things, but above all? He was stubborn. Persistent, whichever way you wanted to put it, it had its positive and negative sides. When he set his mind on something, there was no way he was giving up. Which, was a positive part of it, but right now...

It wasn't exactly working in his favor.

So really, he should have known that he would have ended up outside of his door. Hell, Wally half-expected him to walk right in the door of the apartment. Why he didn't, he couldn't guess. He had a key, after all. He could have walked in, seen the mess in the bathroom that he still hadn't cleaned up from last night, come to the conclusion that he wasn't thinking straight, ask him in that softer, gentler voice what was wrong with pain in his eyes...

If he had, there was no way he would have been able to stand up to him. One look in those eyes and he would be fine for. Wally was a lot of things, but... Able to hold out against Dick wasn't one of them. Not when it came to things like this. 

But right now he was here, outside the door, not inside, which meant that maybe, just maybe he could keep him safe. That was what mattered right now.

Even with the lump in his throat, he tried to remind himself that it was all for the best.

"Wally, you're talking crazy right now." Dick's voice was strained through the door. "What's scared you so badly?"

He opened his mouth to reply, but he couldn't. 

What scared him so badly? He couldn't answer that. There was no way that he could... That he could admit that. No way that he could tell Dick. After this long it was just...

He would assume that he had been lying to him, for one. About his childhood, about who he was basically. Sure, he could've told him about it when they had gotten together, or something, but... He didn't. And now it had been years. Years of a happy relationship that prides itself on keeping no secrets. 

No secrets but one, apparently. 

The guilt in Wally's chest would never let him say the "No secrets" line, nearly giving him away whenever Dick said anything like it. He was never a good liar; that just didn't come naturally to him. His face would turn red, he'd stutter. He'd run out of the room, sometimes; anything to keep from having to say things he knew weren't true, because he knew it wouldn't be believable. So...

He couldn't tell him. He just couldn't. Not as they were here, on either side of a stupid apartment door that Wally wished wasn't there right now. But it was. And it was... It was for the best.

For the best.

"I'm not giving up on you." Dick whispered, breaking his heart. "I'm not." He paused, taking a couple breaths. "I'm not just going to give up on you. Not like that. Nothing can scare me away from you, Wally. Not..." 

He sighed, and something hit the door. Probably his head; he had sat down with his back to the door earlier. Like every scene in every sad movie ever, but instead of being cliche it just made it so much worse because Wally was picturing that, but with Dick now, and...

Fuck, he couldn't do this.

"Not even you."

It wasn't... A war raged in Wally's mind. Everything in him right now wanted to open the door. Dick was out there on his doorstep, probably cold, maybe crying, sounding tired and alone, having come all the way here to Keystone for him, and he...

And he was shutting him out.

That was his best friend, at the very least. He wanted to hold him, to let him in, to stop keeping quiet and holding back his complicated answers that made him look bad and just tell him the truth.

But last night flashed through his head. The bar, the man who barely even touched him, the burning feeling in his throat and in his lungs.

He swallowed. "I'll talk, but I'm not opening this door."

"All right, I'll..." The sound of Dick scrambling to his feet followed soon after. "Why? What's wrong?"

There was real concern in his voice, not the kind he could fake. Wally shrank away from the door, feeling even worse than before. If he was that worried, than...

Jeez, he was a terrible person to make him worry like that.

"Nothing's wrong, I'm just... It's only because I'm weak." Wally answered honestly, biting at his lip. "And I know that if I do, I won't be able to turn you away again. And it's for the best, Dick."

"Wally, seriously, what is it? What happened?"

"Well..."

Where could he even start? What was there to say? That he was turning into his dad, there was no hope for him, and Dick was just lucky he got out when he did? Dick didn't even know about his parents! Hell, if he knew about them, he might not have even stayed with him for this long...

"...it's kind of hard to explain."

"Would me asking questions make it easier?" 

That was normal for them, something they had done with each other since they were kids. Like, little kids. Back when they were first superheroes who thought faster than they could explain. Okay, that was just Wally. But...

But even if he asked, could he answer him?

"...Or do I know the right questions to ask?" Dick added.

"I don't know." He bit his lip again, hard. "You can try."

"What made you angry to start with?"

"Seeing that guy." Wally relaxed, relieved by the easiness of that question, at least. "Out, while you were dancing? I know that's stupid. I should go see someone about my anger again, shouldn't I? Nobody responds like that."

"Hey, at least you acknowledge it. But yeah, if it's scaring you again, seeing somebody would probably be a good idea." Dick agreed. "But, after that... I don't know how to ask this."

Fuck. That was never good. Never good, never good, never. If Dick was at a loss to explain, he was doomed in the answer. Either condemned to a simple "Yes or no," or forced to tell him. 

"I guess I should just say that... First, I know about... Damn it, there's no good way to put that, huh?"

Deep breath. It doesn't matter, right? Dick wasn't his boyfriend anymore, so... Why should he be too nervous about it? They were just friends. It was fine. All good. Deep breaths.

They were just friends; what could Dick say that would be so bad?

"Just say it, then." Wally shrugged. "Doesn't matter much, anyway."

"Don't say that."

"What? It doesn't." He leaned against the door. "I don't mind, really."

"I know about your parents."

"Oh." Wally blinked, body stiffening, his mind racing and refusing to move all at once. "Well, that's... Certainly interesting."

"Certainly interesting" was a light way of putting his whole world crashing down. Years of concealing the truth, telling just enough of this and little enough of that, avoiding any misstep was completely disregarded right there. Dick knew. He knew.

He had probably known for years, hadn't he? Had he? How long had he- 

"That's why I didn't just... Want to say it." Dick explained. "It felt wrong to just, you know, put it out there as a disclaimer."

"...yeah. Yeah, I can see that now."

"So, anyway, I was going to ask-"

"Wait." Wally interrupted. "If you know about my parents... Why were you still dating me in the first place?"

The wind blew.

"Wally, you can't just ask that."

"Last I checked, I just did."

"Well then, because I love you." Dick stated simply.

"That's a cop out." 

"Jeez, Wally. Why were you dating me, then?"

There was no good way to answer that. Dick had lots of good attributes, but he wasn't dating him for them. He wasn't necessarily gaining anything from being with him. 

"...I see your point."

"Anyway, what I was going to ask is... And I think we kind of answered it, were you scared of your own anger there?"

"Yeah." He cleared his throat, moistened his lips. "I was scared because it reminded me..."

"...of your father?" Dick finished.

Wally nodded. "Yeah. And now I'm realizing how similar we really are. It's scary, and it probably doesn't sound right to you, but... It's true. And Dick, I'm sorry, I know it's hard now, but-"

"No, Wally, I-"

"Trust me, Dick. Please, trust me and just... Go while you still can." He could hear how he was begging and he didn't care one bit, all he wanted now was for Dick to walk away from the door.

No, that wasn't true. He wanted him to stay, but he couldn't have that. The lifeless, dull look of his mother's eyes flashed through his head. No, he couldn't let that happen to Dick. He couldn't let him lose the spark of life in his eyes. He couldn't let him lose the brightness of his smile. He couldn't watch his shoulders fall forward into a hopeless slump. He couldn't, and that's why he couldn't open the door, he couldn't just let him in and hold him and try to make this work out.

It would never work. Because they would always have disagreements. Dick had a temper like none other, and things could get ugly when they fought. What happened when things started to get actually bad? When he got scared to leave? Add in superpowers, and...

This wasn't a happy ending. But if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, then he sure as hell didn't want to risk a tragic one for him.

"Please." Wally begged him, tears threatening his eyes. "Just go."

"You are not your father, Wally." Dick assured him softly, taking in a deep breath. "We can work this out. Talk to someone about the anger, like you said. And we can..."

"No, Dick, you don't get it. That's all there is. His dad hurt him and his wife while he was growing up, and my dad... You know. I don't know how I didn't realize you would know. World's Second Greatest Detective, right?" Wally sighed, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to pull together the words. "You've probably known this whole time, which is how I don't know how you haven't pieced this together. It's all just a pattern. A cycle. And I can see myself falling into-"

"You're nothing like him!" He interrupted, voice strained. "Wally, you're-"

"You don't know that!" Wally snapped. "You have no idea what he's actually like, or if I'm like that, or if what I'm doing is like him at all. People are people, Dick. They're not just monsters all the time. They don't start that way; something has to start out, and things get worse and worse, and... I can see it coming, okay!? So it's no use trying to hold on. I'm..." He sniffled, wiping at his tears. "I'm better off alone, aren't I?"

"No, you're not-"

"All I do is hurt people!" He yelled, hands squeezing into fists. "I hurt Bart all the time, and he's just a kid. He didn't do anything wrong, he's just trying his best... Or he's not, but that doesn't fucking matter, because every time he screws up, I want to yell at him. Remember the time I hit him, Dick? Remember that?"

Dick sucked in a breath. "I... Remember that."

"Did he fucking deserve that?"

"No." He breathed. "But-"

"There are no 'but's about that. And there are other people I've hurt, too. I hurt you all the time, even if you're too good to admit it." Wally swallowed, taking a second to breathe. "There are days on the Justice League that I don't even hear out what people have to say. I just snap at them. And people think it's funny, or that they deserved it, because it's Kyle, or another Green a Lantern, or it's Plastic Man, or something like that. They just... Excuse it."

He sighed. "Everyone has bad days, and we all make mistakes, and snap at people. That's normal, Wally. That's just-"

"Yeah, but it's not okay!"

"...true. But you can't beat yourself up about it." Dick reminded. "That starts to sound like when Bruce blames himself for things going wrong in Gotham. It doesn't help anything, and it's just not how that works."

"Except for one major difference."

"What?"

"That this is something I can help: my behavior." Wally stated, going back to biting at his lip. "It's different from Bruce freaking out about Gotham, or any of that shit, because I can be better. I should be better. And when I'm not, it's directly hurting people, not indirectly."

"Wally that's-"

"Dick, please just go."

"Wally-

"Dick, please!"

Dead silence. For a second, he wondered if he walked away. If he was actually gone.

Wally's chest ached at the thought. He didn't want him to be gone. He did, but he didn't, but he-

"I'll..." He finally spoke, breaking the silence. "Look, if it's... If you need to talk to someone else, or if this would be easier with someone else, than..." Dick sighed. "Then I'll go. Whatever you need, okay? I can call your uncle, if you need me to. I just don't want you to be-"

It's for the best.

It's for the best.

It's for the-

Fuck this, Wally just couldn't stand here and listen any longer.

***

(Dick)

Dick was still in the middle of talking when he heard the turn of the door unlocking, latch thrown open, the door tossed aside and himself crushed in a hug faster than the blink of an eye. If he weren't used to speedster hugs it would have shocked him, but after years and years of it... Who was he kidding, just having Wally in his arms was overwhelming. He was frozen in place, just squeezing him back. Petrified.

Holding on, and never letting go.

Wally eventually moved to pull away, though, and as much as he didn't want to, he had to relent.

Dick cleared his throat. "I just don't want you to be alone."

"I don't want to be alone either, it's just... Fuck." There were tears in Wally's eyes as he pushed the hair out of his face. "I don't want you to get hurt even more than that, though. I'd rather be alone than hurt you."

"You're not going to hurt me, Wally."

"But what if I did? What then?" His voice shook. "And you don't heal quickly, Dick. It's not like-"

"You'd never hurt me." Dick restated, gently reaching up to touch his face. "What's the one time you did?"

Wally grimaced. "Back when we were teenagers, when we were sparring, and it got... Out of hand."

"And that was an accident, right?"

"Of course that was an accident, Dick. I felt awful afterwards. I apologized so many times you threatened to kill me just so I would stop apologizing every time I saw you." He recalled. "And I've hurt you other times, if not physically. I've-"

"Shh. Wally." Dick ran his hand through his hair, only for those unruly red curls to fall right down into his face again. "And I've hurt you an equal number, I'm sure. The point is... I'm not sure how to say this right, so I'm just going to say it. The fact that you're worrying about becoming your dad probably means you aren't."

Wally blinked, tipping his head to the side. "What?"

"I mean, you're aware of every single little thing you do that might be anything like him." He explained. "You're guilty any time you do anything like him. Isn't that steering you away from being like him?"

"I... Guess you're right."

"You don't have to believe me about it right now."

"Good." Wally glanced down at his feet. "'Cause I don't think I can, to be honest."

"And that's alright." Dick shrugged. "Just... Don't think that you're evil or anything, because you're not. Those are normal fears, Wally West... Or, as normal as we get, anyway."

He managed a little laugh. "We don't get all that normal, do we?"

"No sir, we do not."

"I guess..." Wally sighed. "It's hard when everyone's always talking about becoming their parents, or how everyone grows up to be their parents, or this and that about how the apple never falls far from the tree-"

"Those aren't true at all." Dick frowned. "Honestly. Would you judge anyone else you know by that logic?"

"...no, but... I mean..." He nodded. "I guess they're just shitty sayings then, huh?"

"Yep. That's all they are... Are you getting a little cold out here?"

"Oh man, you must be freezing." Wally threw the door open, ushering them both inside and closing it swiftly behind them. "Yeah, it's gotten colder the past couple of days or so."

"No kidding." Dick shivered, glad to finally be inside. "Holidays just around the corner."

They shared a tight lipped smile. That was a tough time for the both of them, between missing family members, difficult family, and just...

Life in general.

"Least I'll... I guess I should say..." Wally's eyes darted around the entryway. "Should we kinda just pretend this whole thing never happened, and go back to how things were?"

And obviously, Dick knew, he didn't mean that in its entirety. They didn't have their secrets from each other anymore, which was good, and they couldn't go back to keeping those. Wally was probably still going to go see someone about anger management, since that was concerning to him, and overall...

Who knows, maybe this was for the best?

"Deal."

Wally smiled. "Then, as payment for leaving you standing in the cold for so long, I'm making us some hot tea. What kind do you want?"

"Do you actually have more than one kind in your cupboard?" 

"Hey!" He rolled his eyes. "I'm not in college anymore. "There's regular black tea, cinnamon chai..."

And yeah, maybe it was for the best after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not 100% pleased but you know what? What more could you want? 
> 
> Thank y'all for your love!

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr at Supertinybats or Supertinywords!
> 
> Requests are open!
> 
> Comments are love <3


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